the two paths diverge and i get a pep talk

So this and the myspace blog have been running pretty much concurrently recently, but it’s time to break away again.

Recently I’ve had this kind of feeling that I’m just standing still, that things have stalled or I’m just coasting along, but I don’t know why. It just sometimes feels like I’m not working towards anything.

And talking (in an emailing kind of way) with M- this morning, she made me actually answer why I felt this way, writing down four categories that I had to fill in (she was having a guidance counselor moment or something, I guess) – Work, Love, Personal (mental/general), and Social. I skipped the middle two and wrote huge long essays for the first and last; the writing and the living.

I guess maybe this past week hasn’t been the best time to reflect on the social, what with that email faux-pas (FYI, I can’t get that first line of it out of my head: “This girl is starting to do my head in...” truly is a great thing to read about yourself, from one of the only housemates you got on with). And the writing – I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like there could be such potential, but I never seem to do anything. People have offered me intros, I have to learn to take them up. And fight for more from L’s magazine or something. I don’t know.

But M-, in her pep-talk giving mood, sent me back the following reply:

"Just because you aren't as outgoing or confident as some other people, it does not make you "bad" at making friends. [Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club…] To be honest, I think a lot of it is in your head and you give off the impression that it will be hard work to get to know you when it really isn't. You don't have to have a connection with every person that you talk to...that's why the word acquaintance is in the English language.

As your friend, I have the duty (and right) to tell you when you are doing things that aren't necessarily the right thing (although that does not mean wrong). So I am allowed to say the following:

Get your arse in gear and sort out your writing stuff. You won't get anywhere unless you do something yourself. And stop building barriers around yourself. You get hurt but that's a part of life and learning - if you never open up you will stand still in your life.

So there - Miss Bossy Boots has spoken."

Oh, and today I also found out S- is engaged. For the past couple weeks she’s been trying to convince me to come home in September for “some party” – but when pressed would never really reveal what for. Her birthday being at the end of August, we were meant to assume something like that, but clearly when she puts that much effort into trying to get me to go back for a party, something’s up. So while I was kind of expecting something along the lines of it, when I read the email:

Yo;

Thought I should drop you a note before Fi squealed - yes, it's an engagement party, and you should get yo' ass over here for it. Booze, dancing, and much italian food.

Come oooooooooonnnnnn.......................
Ty (or is it Jack?) x

-my jaw kind of dropped. Yes, part of me was maybe expecting something like it, but most of me wasn’t, clearly. Maybe this is what brought on the standing still feeling.

But I'm going to be proactive (sounds like some kind of organic yogurt). I can't sit on here and bitch and moan and be moody, 'cause it's not much fun for me and it certainly ain't much fun for others. So. This week I will kindly and pleasantly ask for the introductions to the two magazines that different people have offered. I will pin a list on the back of my door of the people I want to work for and feel growing satisfaction as I manage to tick off the names, one by one, as I write for them. I will sit down and edit that big 139-page mofo. And I will be sociable when I go out and I will not spend very much money as I don't get paid till Friday and will relish every single second of living in this amazing city with all its opportunities for working and socialising, and not feel like I'm totally out of the London loop anymore.