i fell asleep this afternoon (hey, i'm takin sleep wherever i can get it) and had really strange dreams about snakes
but get this - it was like a trilogy.
there was the first installment which was like some kind of X-Files ep or something, something to do with people being taken over by a big snake or alligator type thing. but that story concluded and everyone was safe and happy.
then the second installment kicked in. and from there it just got worse. it turned into some Roger Corman kind of horror movie, with snakes and 'gators everywhere and no one was safe and being killed left, right and centre. so fucking weird.
i just got done reading The Fatal Eggs by Mikhail Bulgakov. i think that's where it's all come from.
but what am i meant to do when i either don't sleep, or when i do have bizarre freaky nightmares like that?
good lord.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
"these go to eleven"
just watched A Mighty Wind whilst babysitting
came home and put on This Is Spinal Tap
"nowtro, if you will"
"mime is money, my friend"
christopher guest is GENIUS. soooooo gooooooooooooood.
came home and put on This Is Spinal Tap
"nowtro, if you will"
"mime is money, my friend"
christopher guest is GENIUS. soooooo gooooooooooooood.
Friday, July 16, 2004
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
maybe it's 'cause i'm a londoner...
walking around london is one of the best things. exploring all the little back roads, stumbling across treasures, strange shops, people, stories, houses. and the museums and galleries that are free. i wanted to go to the wallace collection today, but we kind of ran out of time as we went for dim sum in chinatown after oxford circus - heading away from manchester square.
and i go through phases of constantly having my walkman jammed on, walking around with a soundtrack to wherever i am; or just not being able to handle the music, like it dulls out some of the world around me or something, and burying the walkman under the rest of the junk in my bag.
i did it in new york too. it was so nice having those first five days all by myself, just walking all over the place, block to block. i think it's slightly easier there, what with that grid layout and all. but - and this is going to sound gay in a totally gay way - you get a better sense of the city when you do this. off the beaten track or whatever.
there are times when it feels like your own private city, when you come across something you've never seen before, or some amazing little shop. like that second hand bookstore in NY that was around union sq somewhere. all those bukowski and harry crews books, and the ladders that you moved around and climbed up yourself to rifle through the top shelves (imagine that happening at waterstones or barnes & noble... they'd be so scared of litigation if someone fell or something, customers wouldn't be allowed within a five mile radius of a ladder). and the fat cat that just sat in the middle of the back room and regally watched the book browsers, and the other cat that twined itself round your ankles as you weighed up whether to buy those two william faulkner books (you didn't in the end as you figured it was only your third day in town and you should watch your money until you knew how the trip was going to play out). and the smell of the books, kind of dusty and musty and papery.
i was trying to convince HF today of the beauty of doing stuff like this, trying to convince her to just walk somewhere, anywhere, wherever we end up, but she was tired, full from dim sum and feeling a little grumpy or something, so that idea was dismissed.
never mind. i like going by myself, antisocial bug that i am. i'd rather go by myself than with someone who just doesn't *get* it. and i don't think she does.
and i go through phases of constantly having my walkman jammed on, walking around with a soundtrack to wherever i am; or just not being able to handle the music, like it dulls out some of the world around me or something, and burying the walkman under the rest of the junk in my bag.
i did it in new york too. it was so nice having those first five days all by myself, just walking all over the place, block to block. i think it's slightly easier there, what with that grid layout and all. but - and this is going to sound gay in a totally gay way - you get a better sense of the city when you do this. off the beaten track or whatever.
there are times when it feels like your own private city, when you come across something you've never seen before, or some amazing little shop. like that second hand bookstore in NY that was around union sq somewhere. all those bukowski and harry crews books, and the ladders that you moved around and climbed up yourself to rifle through the top shelves (imagine that happening at waterstones or barnes & noble... they'd be so scared of litigation if someone fell or something, customers wouldn't be allowed within a five mile radius of a ladder). and the fat cat that just sat in the middle of the back room and regally watched the book browsers, and the other cat that twined itself round your ankles as you weighed up whether to buy those two william faulkner books (you didn't in the end as you figured it was only your third day in town and you should watch your money until you knew how the trip was going to play out). and the smell of the books, kind of dusty and musty and papery.
i was trying to convince HF today of the beauty of doing stuff like this, trying to convince her to just walk somewhere, anywhere, wherever we end up, but she was tired, full from dim sum and feeling a little grumpy or something, so that idea was dismissed.
never mind. i like going by myself, antisocial bug that i am. i'd rather go by myself than with someone who just doesn't *get* it. and i don't think she does.
Monday, July 12, 2004
with all that ra ra ra you playin yaself
clearing up my room i found all my old mix tapes from years ago
jeru the damaja. wu tang. tribe called quest. noreaga. redman. funky dl. rasaan patterson. mostly taped off choice fm. blast from the past. can't tell you how much it takes me back. almost like being 15, 16 again.
was listening to dymon-'all i want' and wanted to start wailing.
but goddamn if 'playin yaself' ain't a hottttt song. maybe i'll see if bella has any jeru albums or summat.
it's suddenly turned into being all about hip hop again in the past couple weeks.
"with all that big willy talk, you playin yaself"
jeru the damaja. wu tang. tribe called quest. noreaga. redman. funky dl. rasaan patterson. mostly taped off choice fm. blast from the past. can't tell you how much it takes me back. almost like being 15, 16 again.
was listening to dymon-'all i want' and wanted to start wailing.
but goddamn if 'playin yaself' ain't a hottttt song. maybe i'll see if bella has any jeru albums or summat.
it's suddenly turned into being all about hip hop again in the past couple weeks.
"with all that big willy talk, you playin yaself"
rock... hard place...
i had this dream last night that the reason sam hasn't been in contact, seems as if she's not speaking to me, is because i - i won't tell someone something
and she was all like "it's for your own good", and refused to talk to me until i did something about it
but it left me in the position of: if i didn't say anything, then i'd lose her friendship; if i *did* say something, i ran the very real risk of losing this other person's friendship. stuck between a rock and a hard place.
'cause although it was a bitchy thing to do, kind of immature, i could see a method in her madness (there's a back story to the whole thing that i'm not going into...). but i didn't know what to do - i was thinking that was it worth being friends with someone who would do something like that. then remembering how good the friendship was when it was working.
then of course i woke up.
but i've still spent all day thinking it's real, and having to remind myself it's not.
coincidentally i actually got an email from her this evening. i'd like to say out of the blue, but i texted her on friday night to see if she was back and this was a four line email response to that. four lines. wow.
better than nothing?
i'm such a sucker. loyal to the point of stupidity.
but like i say, i now can't get this idea out of my head, about her being really pissed off that i'm too... "me" to do anything, say anything, whatever.
t'was all just a dream. queen mab at work playing her dangerous games.
and she was all like "it's for your own good", and refused to talk to me until i did something about it
but it left me in the position of: if i didn't say anything, then i'd lose her friendship; if i *did* say something, i ran the very real risk of losing this other person's friendship. stuck between a rock and a hard place.
'cause although it was a bitchy thing to do, kind of immature, i could see a method in her madness (there's a back story to the whole thing that i'm not going into...). but i didn't know what to do - i was thinking that was it worth being friends with someone who would do something like that. then remembering how good the friendship was when it was working.
then of course i woke up.
but i've still spent all day thinking it's real, and having to remind myself it's not.
coincidentally i actually got an email from her this evening. i'd like to say out of the blue, but i texted her on friday night to see if she was back and this was a four line email response to that. four lines. wow.
better than nothing?
i'm such a sucker. loyal to the point of stupidity.
but like i say, i now can't get this idea out of my head, about her being really pissed off that i'm too... "me" to do anything, say anything, whatever.
t'was all just a dream. queen mab at work playing her dangerous games.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
tears for fears
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaarrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
huh
right. hopefully that's out of my system.
that's three times people have said something along those lines. GAAAHHHHH.
hhhhh. okay. whatever.
it's never gonna happen.
it's fine.
fine.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaarrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
huh
right. hopefully that's out of my system.
that's three times people have said something along those lines. GAAAHHHHH.
hhhhh. okay. whatever.
it's never gonna happen.
it's fine.
fine.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
rockin the shit ghetto baby style
i keep forgetting to say, we saw this totally bling bling ghetto baby on brick lane on sunday
she had gold everywhere, including a fat gold chain round her neck that hooked onto her dummy so she wouldn't lose it
hardcore ghetto baby style
kind of wish i'd taken a shot
she had gold everywhere, including a fat gold chain round her neck that hooked onto her dummy so she wouldn't lose it
hardcore ghetto baby style
kind of wish i'd taken a shot
Monday, July 05, 2004
poetic interlude # 1
I am: yet what I am none cares or knows:
My friends forsake me like a memory lost,
I am the self-consumer of my woes -
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love's frenzied stifled throes -
And yet I am, and live - like vapours tossed.
Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreasm,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
Even the dearest, that I love the best,
And strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.
I long for scenes where man has never trod,
A place where woman never smiled or wept -
There to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lies,
The grass below - above the vaulted sky.
John Clare (1793 - 1864)
*****
no real reason for it being in, i just found a scrap of paper with it written on when i was going through some junk and really liked it and felt like sharing. it's not one of my favourites, it's just - a poem for a monday.
My friends forsake me like a memory lost,
I am the self-consumer of my woes -
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shadows in love's frenzied stifled throes -
And yet I am, and live - like vapours tossed.
Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreasm,
Where there is neither sense of life or joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
Even the dearest, that I love the best,
And strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.
I long for scenes where man has never trod,
A place where woman never smiled or wept -
There to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,
Untroubling and untroubled where I lies,
The grass below - above the vaulted sky.
John Clare (1793 - 1864)
*****
no real reason for it being in, i just found a scrap of paper with it written on when i was going through some junk and really liked it and felt like sharing. it's not one of my favourites, it's just - a poem for a monday.
Friday, July 02, 2004
fiction is the lie we use to tell the truth
from script secrets (my emphases) (wait, is that the plural of emphasis?):
"For a script to be good, it needs to be something personal and emotional... but for a script to sell it needs to be something commercial that a couple hundred million people will pay to see. How do you find an idea that's both? What if all of the commercial ideas you come up with you aren't passionate about, and all of the personal ideas you come up with aren't commercial? How can you turn that personal and emotional idea into something with commercial potential?
...for a while it seemed as if everyone I knew betrayed me. I ended up hardening my heart and withholding my trust. I closed myself off from the world. After a couple of years living like this I realized I was miserable. Those walls that prevented me from having my heart broken again or my trust betrayed also prevented me from having any friends or any real relationships. I had to tear down those walls - even if it meant getting hurt again.
This was perfect material for a screenplay - very emotional, and something that most people can identify with on some level. But there were three problems with writing this as a script:
1) Not interesting enough. Gee, my heart got broken and a friend screwed me over - big deal! Who cares? This stuff happens to everyone, so why would six hundred million people worldwide pay to see my version? How would this be entertaining? Let's face it, this story is like listening to some friend tell you about the bad day they had at work... boring!
2) Even though I was over the broken heart and the friend's betrayal, it's still painful subject matter. Would I really want to relive all of that stuff in a script? Would I subconsciously tone it down in order to make it easier (emotionally) for me to write?
3) When all was said and done, the girl who dumped me and the friend who stole my deal weren't the real problem, I was. Hey - people get dumped every day, but how many completely cut themselves off emotionally afterwards? How many people go out of their way *not* to fall in love again, and go out of their way *not* to form friendships? The real story was that I had stopped trusting people... was I brave enough to tell that story? Would I try to sugar coat it, or maybe make it look like my ex-girlfriend was a monster so that my reaction would make more sense? Could I really be honest about my emotions?
Which is why I believe that fiction is the lie we use to tell the truth.
I was going to wear a disguise... find a way to explore all of these painful emotions in a safe environment. So I used the tool of magnification - I took my basic story and blew it up. Magnified it.
...All I did was take an event from my personal life and raise the stakes, intensify the emotions, and change the back stabbers into bloodsuckers. That's how magnification can be used to turn your personal story into a big commercial story. Find the basic emotional conflict in that personal story and magnify everything around it."
interesting.
"For a script to be good, it needs to be something personal and emotional... but for a script to sell it needs to be something commercial that a couple hundred million people will pay to see. How do you find an idea that's both? What if all of the commercial ideas you come up with you aren't passionate about, and all of the personal ideas you come up with aren't commercial? How can you turn that personal and emotional idea into something with commercial potential?
...for a while it seemed as if everyone I knew betrayed me. I ended up hardening my heart and withholding my trust. I closed myself off from the world. After a couple of years living like this I realized I was miserable. Those walls that prevented me from having my heart broken again or my trust betrayed also prevented me from having any friends or any real relationships. I had to tear down those walls - even if it meant getting hurt again.
This was perfect material for a screenplay - very emotional, and something that most people can identify with on some level. But there were three problems with writing this as a script:
1) Not interesting enough. Gee, my heart got broken and a friend screwed me over - big deal! Who cares? This stuff happens to everyone, so why would six hundred million people worldwide pay to see my version? How would this be entertaining? Let's face it, this story is like listening to some friend tell you about the bad day they had at work... boring!
2) Even though I was over the broken heart and the friend's betrayal, it's still painful subject matter. Would I really want to relive all of that stuff in a script? Would I subconsciously tone it down in order to make it easier (emotionally) for me to write?
3) When all was said and done, the girl who dumped me and the friend who stole my deal weren't the real problem, I was. Hey - people get dumped every day, but how many completely cut themselves off emotionally afterwards? How many people go out of their way *not* to fall in love again, and go out of their way *not* to form friendships? The real story was that I had stopped trusting people... was I brave enough to tell that story? Would I try to sugar coat it, or maybe make it look like my ex-girlfriend was a monster so that my reaction would make more sense? Could I really be honest about my emotions?
Which is why I believe that fiction is the lie we use to tell the truth.
I was going to wear a disguise... find a way to explore all of these painful emotions in a safe environment. So I used the tool of magnification - I took my basic story and blew it up. Magnified it.
...All I did was take an event from my personal life and raise the stakes, intensify the emotions, and change the back stabbers into bloodsuckers. That's how magnification can be used to turn your personal story into a big commercial story. Find the basic emotional conflict in that personal story and magnify everything around it."
interesting.
list one
my list of things to do when i get the f- out of this job:
* sort out broadband. dialup is giving me a headache and a half
* script w/ J - we must sort something out
* sort out room - finish painting it, put up remaining shelves, tidy up
* new job?? - update CV, prob sign up w/ some agencies
* research internships abroad - most likely NY and Pareeee - visas etc - maybe call Bill and see if he has any good contacts in NY?
* travel: NY, Cuba, Hong Kong, Prague, Rome, Berlin
* delete web history from work computers i've used - so they don't stumble across fotolog or this
* go to brighton for a day (take camera) - megabus has cheap deals
* watch series three of 24
* spend a day watching old buffy episodes. no doubt cry at 'Becoming parts I and II' and 'The Prom'
* make dentist appt
* make doctor's appt
* ride bike
* see maria
* james II's 9th b'day party on 11th july (football party)
* SORT OUT LIFE - in general. needs a lot of sorting.
* sort out broadband. dialup is giving me a headache and a half
* script w/ J - we must sort something out
* sort out room - finish painting it, put up remaining shelves, tidy up
* new job?? - update CV, prob sign up w/ some agencies
* research internships abroad - most likely NY and Pareeee - visas etc - maybe call Bill and see if he has any good contacts in NY?
* travel: NY, Cuba, Hong Kong, Prague, Rome, Berlin
* delete web history from work computers i've used - so they don't stumble across fotolog or this
* go to brighton for a day (take camera) - megabus has cheap deals
* watch series three of 24
* spend a day watching old buffy episodes. no doubt cry at 'Becoming parts I and II' and 'The Prom'
* make dentist appt
* make doctor's appt
* ride bike
* see maria
* james II's 9th b'day party on 11th july (football party)
* SORT OUT LIFE - in general. needs a lot of sorting.
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